Burger under 30: Tofu Burgers with Guacamole and Spinach

As meat prices keep rising, sometimes you're forced to use ingredients that you wouldn't normally use. Tofu isn't something I would associate with a delicious, moist burger. But as I had a block of tofu in the fridge $6 left in my bank account, I had to improvise.

This one takes less than 30 mins from the cutting board to mouth and contains a lot less fat than your typical beef burger.

Go get:

Packet of firm tofu.

A small onion.

2 Cloves of garlic.

Paprika

Worcestershire Sauce

Dried chili flakes

Soy Sauce.

Spinach.

Guacamole.

The Action:

1. Finely chop your onion and garlic and fry with a bit of oil. Season with a pich of salt and pepper as well as some generous splashes of Worcestershire sauce (that's wuss-ter-sheer to you Americans who can't pronounce all them 'fancy' words like).

2. Mash up the tofu and your cooked onions and garlic. Splash in some soy sauce as well as half a teaspoon or more of paprika and your chili flakes.

3. Combine into patties and fry until cooked through. Top burgers with a handful of spinach and and generously smear the inside of the burger bun with some guac.

Quick, easy, healthy and sophisticated- and for less than a dollar per burger.

"Pink Fish" (As the Ebsworth's Call it): Teriyaki Salmon with Stir Fried Vegetables and Vinegar Rice

I recently watched the documentary Food Matters (You can watch the entire thing here). Despite some dubious claims that huge amounts of vitamin C could cure cancer, it raised some valid points. Apparently, the Western diet is hugely lacking in vitamins and minerals. We walk around every day tired as shit, just waiting to get cancer. So in response, I cooked this dish which contains not one, but TWO *gasp* super-foods - wild salmon and broccoli. This dish is quick and easy, serves two and costs around $4 a head. It would be drastically cheaper if I used farmed salmon, but fuck it. This time I'm doing luxury.

Go Get:

Half a pound of salmon fillet

Soy Sauce

Sake/ white wine.

Mirin (if you don't have any, just use sugar)

3 Cloves of Garlic.

2 Inches of Ginger

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2 Carrots

Broccoli

3-4 Mushrooms

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175 g (1 Cup) White rice

Red wine/ white wine vinegar

1 tsp of sugar.

The Action

1. We need to create a marinade for the fish. Cut up three cloves of garlic and grate an inch of ginger root. Take the Sake (or white wine) and soy sauce and pour into a ziploc bag in equal amounts with the garlic and ginger. Put your fish in the bag, and leave in your fridge for at least 2 hours.

2. When it gets close to dinner time, put the rice in salted boiling water and simmer for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, peel the carrots and then strip them using a potato peeler. Chop up your broccoli and crumble your mushrooms. Set Aside.

3. Heat up a saucepan until very hot. Put 3 tbsp of oil in the pan (I used sesame seed oil) . Place the fish skin side down and cook for approx 3 minutes. At the same time heat a second pan and throw in your vegetables. Add a spash of soy sauce and a pinch of sugar to the veggies as you cook 'em.

4. Flip your fish and cook for a further 3 minutes and remove from pan.

5. Combine 5 tbsp of vinegar (you can use white or rice) with a tbsp of sugar in a small bowl. Microwave, and add to your fully cooked rice.

Plate up and enjoy!

Fightin' Texas Chili: The Definitive Chili Con Carne Recipe

Howdy y'all. The following is a recipe for a Texan chili that I've been trying to perfect over the course of three long years. I finally discovered that the key to a great chili is.... a fuck load of beer. You will want to leave it to simmer for at least two hours (longer is better!), so I'd save this one for the weekend if you're working the hellish 9-5 grind and freeze the left-overs for the week ahead.

Go Get:

1 Large onion or 2 small ones.

2 Cloves of Garlic

1 Can of Kidney beans

1 Can of chopped/ diced tomato

1 Stock cube

500g/17oz Ground/minced beef or pork.

Chili Powder

Chili flakes or fresh chili peppers.

Cumin

Cinnamon powder

1 Can of Beer. I used Lonestar, 'cause.

Sour Cream

Worcestershire Sauce

The Action:

1. Chop up the onion and garlic into small cubes (click here to learn how to chop things) Fry the onions in a little oil and butter on a high heat. I use bran oil or rapeseed oil, as it burns at a higher temperature than olive oil.

2. Once the onions have softened, throw in the garlic and fry for a minute or two, stirring regularly. Add a splash of Worcestershire sauce.

3. Clear the vegetables to the side of the pan and brown the meat in the center, breaking up the chunks with a spatula.

4. Add 2 tbsp of Chili powder and 1 tbsp of cumin and fry until the spices release their aroma. Add half a tsp of dried chili power or cayenne pepper if you prefer it spicy, or you're spiking a certain someone's food *cough* Julian Wharton *cough*.

5. Pour in the can of beer and wait till the mixture boils. I used Lonestar, which is a light, largely flavourless lager for Texan pride's sake. You can experiment with different types. A heavy dark beer such as Shiner Bohemian Black or a Bombardier would taste awesome.

Pictured: Deliciousness

6. Put in your can of chopped tomatoes, the stock cube a dash of cinnamon and a thumbnail sized chunk of chocolate or sugar. Set the hob to a low temperature, cover and celebrate Texas style by molotov cocktailing a planned parenthood center!

7. Check every so often that your chili isn't drying out (add water if it is), and add your kidney beans 20 minutes before turning the stove off. The chili should have reached a thick, soupy consistency. Add some cornstarch if it's too runny. Leave to cool for 10 minutes to let the flavor soak into the meat.

The finished product.

8. Season well (keep taste testing as it will need more salt than you think) and serve with rice and a dollop of sour cream on top.

TIP- Boil your rice with a tbsp of salt, as unseasoned rice tends to taste extremely bland.

And that about does it. One batch of this stuff will end up producing 4-5 servings, so freeze your leftovers for later. Buying the spices will be expensive at first, but will last months. Thus the total cost per serving is around $1.75, depending on what beer you use.

Stay hungry, friends.

Screw Dominoes: Presenting a DYI Mushroom, Mozzarella and Pesto Thin Crust Pizza that Costs Under Two Bucks

This recipe is a perfect example on how you can cook better, cheaper and more healthy than fast food chains. And this for my American readers, is a step towards not being so fucking fat. This meal takes under 30 minutes from cutting board to mouth, which is around the same time as a delivery.

Go get:

Fleishmann's Pizza Crust Yeast.

Flour (If you don't have any already).

Sugar.

Butter/vegetable spread.

Olive Oil.

A block of Mozzarella.

6 or 7 mushrooms (We used the darker colour variety for presentation's sake).

A bag of spinach.

A jar of Pesto (We used the stuff in a sachet which worked just as well, and was really cheap).

3-4 Cloves of Garlic.

The Action:

1. Follow the directions on the back of the pizza crust packet; combine one cup of flour with 3/4ths of a cup of hot water with a tsp of sugar , 3/4ths of a tsp of salt and the yeast itself and mix. The Consistency of the dough should be slightly sticky to the touch- keep adding flour until the dough sticks to your fingers and is elastic.

2. Pour flour onto your counter top and spread it out. Also cover your hands in flour. Start molesting the hell out of that dough by pulling it and smushing it together again.

3. Get out your rolling pin (What? You don't have one? They cost like $3 from your local supermarket) Roll out the dough until it's even and larger than your baking tray. Keep dusting the top of the dough to stop it sticking to your rolling pin.

4. Smear butter on the baking tray using a paper towel. Don't use to much butter, but just enough that you get an even translucent coating. place your dough on the tray, and roll the edges as if you were rolling a sleeping bag. These will form the crust. Note: It doesn't matter if your baking tray is square. Pizzas in Italy are square for some reason. Square pizzas are still delicious.

5. Cover your dough base with pesto (don't get any on your crusts). Roughly chop the garlic and spread it evenly. Cover with grated mozzarella (we used an entire pre-shredded pack of the stuff)

6. Rip up the mushrooms by hand (sliced 'shrooms look a tad synthetic). Add to the pizza. Take a handful of spinach and do the same. For extra deliciousness, drizzle with pesto. If using the jar stuff, mix with olive oil to make it liquidy). Here's me drizzilin':

7. Season with salt and pepper and stick it in a pre-heated oven at 450 for 15 mins. This is what it should look like before baking, and after.

And guess what? The total cost per serving (it serves two) is $1.82. This obviously isn't the total cost of all the ingredients, but only the ingredients used. You would have the majority of a bag of spinach left over that could be uses in sandwiches or salads.

Until next time......